Not only is Fireproof based on a faulty premise, as discussed in part 1, it also claims that an abusive person will respond positively to loving behaviors. The second problem with Fireproof, is that it claims that either the husband or the wife can successfully implement the “Love Dare.” Yet, the Fireproof story itself shows how impossible this would be. While Caleb pays the mortgage and car payments, he withholds a third of his income in order to save for a boat. He has $24,000 saved, which gives him the means to buy flowers for his wife and pay for a wheel chair and hospital bed for her mother.
His wife does NOT have those discretionary funds at her disposal. She takes a full time job to be able to pay all the expenses Caleb refuses to cover, and does not have the money to pay for a wheel chair and hospital bed for her mother, who has suffered a stroke, nor to have the door painted or shelves put in the closet. Although Caleb is on duty as a fireman for 24 hours, and then has 48 hours off, he refuses to help with household tasks. His wife is spread thin with her job, household chores, and with helping her parents every weekend. Caleb has plenty of time to relax, to view porn on the computer, to have a social life, to exercise. His wife’s social life is limited to her lunch hour and the weekends when she helps her parents, and she is constantly working.
The Love Dare asks the reader to invest in his or her spouse, to give them a gift, to do special things for them. Yet, these things have been the very things Caleb’s wife was doing for six years. Finally, the seventh year, the year the story focuses on, she has quit doing all those loving extras because they are resulting in her husband becoming MORE selfish, not less selfish, and Caleb is frustrated and angry at her “lack of respect” for him. If making his dinner, washing his dishes, washing his clothes, putting flowers or candles on the table, etc. didn’t bring forth love from Caleb in all those years, the likelihood of the “Love Dare” being successful when Mrs. Caleb tries it is nil. Yet church leaders claim if a wife is loving and submissive like that, her behavior will induce her husband to love and cherish her.
Nothing could be further from the truth—especially if the husband is abusive. This is an extremely important point that church leaders do not seem to comprehend. Abused wives in particular are usually spread very thin. Since they are trying like everything to regain the love their husbands once appeared to have for them, they are focused on doing all those extras, on being so perfect their husband will have no reason to gripe and call them names and tell them they are worthless nobodies. Usually, wives do this for quite awhile before they begin to realize that their husband is taking advantage, using them and making ever more ridiculous demands to regain that sense of wielding power over another.
I must add here that it is the voluntary submission of the wife—submission to avoid an ugly denigrating attack—that causes abusive husbands to attack their wives, either physically or non-physically. When the wife showers her husband with loving and submissive behaviors, many abusers consider that a weakness and "go in for the kill," to thoroughly establish their power and control. Other times an abuser begins to think she is doing it by her own choice, not because of his coercion. Therefore, if her actions originated from her own choice, he is no longer in control. Since she is being so perfect, he must change his rules for her, even if he has to resort to the ridiculous, in order to regain that sense of dominating her. If an abuser has any inner prompting to feel ashamed of himself and change his ways, he tends to quickly squash it and be even more vicious to silence that inner prompting.
This is opposite of what church leaders teach. Bruce Ware, for example, has stated that it is the non-submission of the wife that induces her husband to attack her. This may be the case occasionally, but most of the time, the wife is bending over backward to keep her husband and home happy, and her husband abuses her because he is frustrated that he lacks a FEELING of domination over her, or conversely, because he does feel that power and believes his power gives him the right to attack her for whatever reason he makes up.
It is time to stop pressuring the person who is already doing all she can, and start pressuring the one who is doing next to nothing.
Waneta Dawn is the author of "Behind the Hedge, A novel,"a story about a woman who grapples with her husband's demands that she submit--no matter what. Please visit www.wanetadawn.com
Posts
Doug Wilson Compared to Crime Boss
-
I've been listening to the Sons of Patriarchy podcast. It's been pretty
good. But I've heard most of the stories before.
Today's podcast Immersive Commu...
1 week ago
"Yet church leaders claim if a wife is loving and submissive like that, her behavior will induce her husband to love and cherish her."
ReplyDeleteI would also like to add that the church is actually making the wife responsible for his repentance and salvation.
That is a good way of looking at it Waneta. She has been doing the 'love dare' for sometime, and he never responded.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog, Waneta.
ReplyDeleteThe Lord is leading me to healing by giving me the truth of what I went through in an abusive alcoholic marriage that lasted 22 years.
I am amazed at the restoration I've seen in my children and myself through God's mercy.
I recognized myself in your description of the movie Fireproof. Everyone told me to see it...they told me how much it would improve my marriage.
Funny...no one suggested my husband see it.
And for some reason I absolutely couldnt' bring myself to watch it. Now I understand why.
I am so glad to be free...free to think and explore and be myself. Many of my physical problems have vanished and I feel so much closer to my kids these days.
It is good for me to read blogs like yours. In particular the church's role in all this.
My husband and I were treated to many a counseling session where the pastor told us "we would not be blessed by God" if we separated...and another pastor asked me oh, so politely if I would agree to go to my husband's counseling for porn addiction for the sake of submission.
(Thankfully I still had enough left of my spirit to refuse).
Still and all, it's taking me awhile to put all the pieces of the church's behavior in place. My faith in Christ was not shaken when my husband left...quite the contrary--I finally found my real Lord again and He showed me my worth. But I have no desire to deal with any church right now.
I need to arm myself with more knowledge before I entrust myself or my children to the teachings of a church body.
Thank you for your compassion on the least of us and the exposure your blog provides.
Blessings,
Julia
Good point, Lydia. The church is also making the wife accountable for her husband's sin. As another commenter noted, the reasoning is that her submission is supposed to control him, which is an oxymoron, since according to their teaching the husband is supposed to be the authority in the marriage.
ReplyDelete"The Love Dare asks the reader to invest in his or her spouse, to give them a gift, to do special things for them. Yet, these things have been the very things Caleb’s wife was doing for six years. Finally, the seventh year, the year the story focuses on, she has quit doing all those loving extras because they are resulting in her husband becoming MORE selfish..."
ReplyDeleteThat's the point of the movie. Caleb is not a Christian, and so he has a worldly, selfish attitude towards his wife and what she does for him. It's only by accepting Christ that he comes to realize how terrible he's been and that he needs to change. The movie makes it clear that it's not human actions that can change a person's heart, but only Christ moving through us.
As for the depiction of Katherine, I sure didn't see her as some sort of saint who was suffering in silence, and she didn't seem very isolated to me. Katherine argues with Caleb and verbally gives as good as she gets. She clearly outlines his selfish behavior. She has a network of sympathetic friends who tell her to leave him and at one point she actually does serve Caleb with divorce papers. She even comes perilously close to having an affair with a male co-worker. In fact, I saw her as a fairly realistic modern woman.
Anonymous,
ReplyDeleteWelcome to my blog!
"As for the depiction of Katherine, I sure didn't see her as some sort of saint who was suffering in silence, and she didn't seem very isolated to me. Katherine argues with Caleb and verbally gives as good as she gets. She clearly outlines his selfish behavior."
You are absolutely right that Katherine does stand up to Caleb and does not appear to be a saint. Yet, she reminds me of myself when I was at her stage. Like her, I eventually stood up to my husband and on-lookers thought I was no saint.
But there are clues in the story that indicate her story is similar to mine. The fact that Caleb still brought his dry cleaning to her, suggested to me that her standing up to him is VERY recent. Also that he expected her to shop for groceries and have food available for him, says at this issue this is a fairly new conversation. Caleb's own complaints to his dad and to his co-worker say that her changes are recent. It is likely her refusal to be intimate with him is recent as well.
I agree, she does appear to be a "fairly realistic modern woman," but you have to listen to those little details to realize she wasn't always this way. She has recently decided she has had enough of being trampled on. Notice that her social life is mostly with women from work. That suggests a woman who lives a fairly isolated lifestyle, which is common for abused women.
Concerning Caleb's change after salvation, my problem with the story is that many abusers either become Christians or rededicate their lives to the Lord, but very few of them stop abusing their wives. It makes a good story, but it is NOT true to life. It usually takes a major threat of loss before a man will choose to stop abusing his wife--permanently.
Paul Hegstom author of "Angry Men and the Women who Love them" for example, was a pastor who preached the sermon and went home to beat his wife. After his wife divorced him, he wound up in jail for killing or nearly killing a woman. He saw where his life was headed--to death row--and THAT is what turned him around. It was consequences that turned him around, not salvation. VERY few abusers choose to stop abusing because the benefits of abusing are so large.
Please feel free to comment again!
Julia,
ReplyDeleteWelcome to my blog! I apologize for delaying my response to your comment. (Every time I read it, I think I want to respond, but the clock says otherwise.)
That is so interesting that no one suggested that your husband see Fireproof, but they recommend it to you. So odd, yet exactly what I expected when I first saw the movie.
"I finally found my real Lord again and He showed me my worth. But I have no desire to deal with any church right now.
I need to arm myself with more knowledge before I entrust myself or my children to the teachings of a church body."
I am so glad you found your worth in Christ again! Like you, as I processed what had happened to me, I realized I and my daughter would have been spared so much pain, damage, and physical ailments if the church--especially the collective church--had stepped up to the plate. (The pastor of small church I belonged to at the time did urge me to leave my husband, but since the collective church was saying if anyone advises you to divorce, they are not of God, I didn't feel free to follow his advice.) So many women finally arrive at how culpable the church is, and so many women--along with their children--become unchurched for awhile. Even when a woman who was abused finds a church that doesn't blame her to her face, she can have a very difficult time of finding a network of Christian friends--or even ONE friend--who will walk with her and offer friendship and support. This is a very sad commentary on the followers of Christ.
I encourage you to stay close to Jesus. I have found wonderful fellowship on the web. I have concluded that the issue of domestic violence is so distressing to many Christians that they try to either steer clear of or hold at a distance those who have experienced it. My best support/fellowship is from those who have experienced abuse themselves.
God bless you!
Waneta
I got out of a very abusive relationship 5 yrs ago. I tried everything possible to save it. NOTHING worked! When I tried to be nice and understanding, he became much worse. He confused my kindness and compassion with weakness. He used to always tell me I was "weak". Churches are very naive when it comes to the dynamics of abusive relationships. I saw Fireproof and thought it was a good movie but I do not like the way churches have regarded it as some kind of magic talisman to save a relationhip. It will not be very effective especially if the abuser has a psychopathic or narcissistic-type personality disorder as mine did. These types usually do not seek help because they do not think they need it. Churches need to become aware that when they tell an abused spouse to be nicer or more subsmissive they are actually aiding and abetting the abuser. Fireproof is a fictional movie with good ideas that can save some marriages that have maybe gotten stale and need an extra boost but the dynamics are different with an abusive marriage. Reality does not always follow a Hollywood script.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry your husband was abusive, but so glad you got free. Thank-you for sharing how you, too, have experienced how your niceness brings increased sin from an abuser.
It is so sad that the church seems to not have a clue. note that I said "seems not to." They may actually know the truth, but deny it or prefer to blame women so they can keep their status quo.
"Churches need to become aware that when they tell an abused spouse to be nicer or more subsmissive they are actually aiding and abetting the abuser."
This is so true, I thought it bears repeating.
I beg the church to wake up to the truth and stop the sin. Stop telling the wife she is sinning for leaving/divorcing her abuser. Rather, confrot the abuser and hold him accountable over the long term, so his wife won't have to leave/divorce him.
I know this is an older thread, but I just had to comment as I've only today started reading your blog. I have not see Fireproof, nor do I really think it would be something I would want to see, though it was recommended to me when it first came out.
ReplyDeleteI am a Christian and my husband is not. In fact, he denigrates my faith, calling it a "bunch of myths" and questioning how it has ever helped me (it has helped me to live through 10 years of extreme emotional abuse from him, among other things), yet he will use Bible verses to degrade and criticize me (just like the devil, the accuser of believers!). Wanting to do the right thing as a Christian and, of course, feeling responsible for my husband's salvation (like I could cause someone to repent and be converted) and not wanting to add even more turmoil to my children's lives (like they don't have enough living with a rageaholic father), I have stayed.
However, I am now starting to realize that God may not want me to be a doormat any longer. I've never gone in for all that "submissive wife" stuff and I don't attend a church that preaches it. I just want to live according to God's Word. I am very depressed, anxious and isolated. He moved me over 900 miles away from supportive family and even though I work, it would be too embarrassing to tell people at my job what is going on with me. I feel alone and like I have no one to talk to. My husband refuses to work and uses his student aid (perpetual student to avoid work) as his "mad money" to spend on his hobbies while I pay all the bills. I am praying for a solution and appreciate blogs like this one that help me to know I'm not alone.